You will regret your tattoos.
Stop talking about where you went to college.
The best public restrooms are in hotels.
After college, never stay out after midnight three nights in a row… Unless something really good comes up on the third night.
If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
Time is too short to do your own laundry.
When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
You don’t have to like baseball, but you should understand the concept of what a pitcher’s ERA means. Approach life similarly.
When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go. And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.
When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
Tip more than you should.
When the bouncer says it’s time for you to leave, it is.
Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.
Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning.
Eat brunch with friends at least every other weekend.
Be a regular at more than one bar.
No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman.
Posting pictures on Facebook from a private jet or Vegas suite let’s everyone know it’s your first time… and probably the last.
You can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks.
Ask for a salad instead of fries.
Don’t split a check.
Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.
When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.
Piercings are liabilities in fights.
Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.
One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.
Throw parties. But have someone else clean up the next day.
Measure yourself only against your previous self.
If you wear a baseball cap in bars, the girls will assume you are balding.
Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.
If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn’t want you.
Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
Avoid that “last” whiskey. You’ve probably had enough.
If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.
Learn how to speak before a large audience.
Do not buy the product insurance.
If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.
No one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.
Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting.
Don’t ever say, “It is what it is.”
Start a wine collection for your kids when they are born. Add a few cases every year without telling them. It’ll make a phenomenal gift in twenty years.
Don’t gamble if losing $100 is going to piss you off.